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There used to be a time, before the Internet came along if you can believe that, when one would and could watch a wrestling program and NOT immediately think, "Why aren't they pushing Shelton Benjamin right?!," "Boy, that Hogan never jobs!," "I wonder if that Hardy Boy is still sober...," and other such gems. Obviously, it was a better time. It was "Good Guy vs. Bad Guy"; "Superstar vs. Jobber", and that was just fine with us. We didn't know wrestling terminology. We didn't know Razor Ramon was really Scott Hall. We didn't wonder if TNA could outdo the WWE in ratings. We didn't follow the personal lives of our favorite wrestlers. We just watched...because it was fun! And yes, I'm aware TNA wasn't created yet...
But now, all that's gone. Now we have to question EVERYTHING. Now we have an opinion about EVERYTHING. Now we pick apart an hour to three hour shows...
My loyal Jimicholics, I will now give my opinions; my two cents. My focus? The WWE's four basic shows: Raw, ECW, Superstars and last but not least, SmackDown!. I will be reviewing these shows in two installments; Raw and ECW up first, then Superstars and SmackDown! to finish.
Each show will be reviewed under four categories:
Main Eventer: These are things that the show does exceptional well. It may also be a certain performer who shines and stands out.
Mid-Carder: These are things that the show does very good; but not all the time. It may also be a a certain performer who is getting a push to stardom.
Curtain Jerker: These are things that the show needs to really improve on; such as a storyline or a certain performer's gimmiick.
Jobber: These are things that the show REALLY needs to get rid of; again, such as a storyline or a certain performer's gimmick.
All set? Good! Let's begin!
Monday Night Raw:
Main Eventer
1) Raw's STILL Jericho!- One thing that I really enjoy about Raw is the irony. Chris Jericho, a SmackDown-contracted wrestler, is the FIRST option that comes to my mind when I think about the show. Very talented is Mr. Jericho that he is able to hold his own and become vital to both of WWE's major programs. Big Show could be mentioned for this honor too but for some reason, he just doesn't command attention the way a 7' tall, 450-plus giant should to me. This is not a shot at him either. I love Big Show...in a manly way, of course.
2) Kofi Kingston- I admit that I'm not the biggest Kofi fan but the man has talent nonetheless! At a first glance, I would have just written him up as a full-fledged Face for the kids to love but there's something that stops that thought. During the WrestleMania 25 MITB Match, I admitted to thinking he gave the best performance; which was not something I expected. On Raw, he is being pushed greatly and even when he loses a match, it doesn't hurt his momentum at all. Now it looks he'll be feuding with Randy Orton and Legacy in the main event scene and it is deservingly so...
3) D-Generation X- This is a little biased because I bleed Black and Neon Green, but I really do enjoy the antics of DX! I love all the various incarnations; from the original formation (HBK/HHH/Rick Rude/Chyna), Attitude (HHH/X-Pac/New Age Outlaws/Chyna) to the newest form of "Merchandise Hawking" Triple H and "I'm Basically A 13-Year Old Religious Boy" Shawn Michaels. Sure, the comedy is sometimes corny, but it's still entertaining if you're not so uptight. And if you aren't down with that, then I got two words for ya!
Mid-Carder
1) Guest Hosts-This almost made it into the Main Eventer category but it fell short because, to me, there have been more horrible hosts than good ones. Bob Barker was great but even he shouldn't have tried to "punch" anyone. What exactly did ZZ Top do? Name one of their songs and then pretend to play guitar? In EVERY segment? Ugh. I don't believe Al Sharpton even watches wrestling. Neither do those NASCAR guys. Kofi Johnson would agree with me. Snoop Dogg was alright. I know he's a fan and everything, but for a guy who rocks the microphone for a living, he doesn't really have any mic skills...for wrestling at least. And remember kids, marijuana jokes NEVER get old! I really think that, given the proper hosts, this could work better. Get some Legends to host. Steve Austin, perhaps? And more importantly, WWE needs to hire people that the average wrestling fan KNOWS! I still have no clue who those two girls were...
2) World's Strongest MVP's- When MVP came over from SmackDown!, I was very excited because he really is a pretty good wrestler and I thought he could have some great matches with fresh opponents. For a minute, and I use that term loosely, it even looked as if they were going to throw him into the title scene. What happened? Then he was in a short-lived feud with Jack Swagger. They even set up the old storyline of, "Cocky Do-Gooder vs. Reformed Outlaw," which could have made for interesting TV but again, what happened? Then they got Mark Henry on Raw. I flipped. I mark for Mark, okay? But seriously, they have the former Sexual Chocolate look like he's going to destroy Orton and then what happens? Mark Swoggle. Yup! They team him up with a Finlay's bastard (?) son! Currently, both are now a team and have faced Jerishow in various matches, so that's possibly a good sign of things to come. The potential and the fan base is there...Raw just needs to let them shine more often.
3) Legacy- My problem with Legacy is that, well, it USED to be cool and a group I would want to join...but then it just got lame. They don't hardly ever even come out as a stable. Speaking of which, is Randy in Legacy? He used to be, right? They referred to all three members as The Legacy---and then it became Randy Orton and The Legacy. So, if anyone knows the situation there, please, by all means, let me know. I also feel like Legacy doesn't or hasn't done anything noteworthy or memorable. Sure, Randy has Punt Kicked half the roster in the head but what has the group done? Jack sh*t, that's what. I hope they focus on giving this group more depth because if so, the possibilities are endless!
Curtain Jerker
1) Diva Tag Matches- Is it just me or is there rarely a one-on-one Divas match anymore? That's not a pay-per-view match, I mean. If we as fans can complain about the over-fed John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H matches, then the Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly and Mickie James vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox and Jillian Hall classics are being thrown up by us. We need variety! Speaking of which...
2) Cena-Orton 792: This Time It's Personal!- Dear WWE, please no more matches involving Randy Orton, John Cena and Triple H. I know that supposedlyOrton will have no more shots at Cena...but come on, get real! You KNOW he is! And adding Shawn Michaels to the Survivor Series, while mildly interesting, is just basically filling in Orton's spot. Can't we have new challengers? MVP, Mark Henry, Ted DiBiase...hell, even Cody Rhodes would suffice, just as long as it's new. Do I expect them to win? Nope. Can they put on a good match? Yup. Change is good. I hope Raw realizes that...
3) The Age Of Orton...Lasted 2 Weeks!- I hear voices in my head too, Randy. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me. You know what they say? They say that you failed as a champion! Seriously, what happened? You were supposed to be this bad ass dude that went around Punt Kicking people and RKO'ing beautiful former SmackDown! General Managers. No, not Vickie Guerrero. Stephanie McMahon! Instead, you just ran your mouth and lost the belt a sh*t load of times. You quitted, tapped, and couldn't win a single match on your own half the time. You were a straight-up crappy champion...but your theme song is kick ass...so we're cool again. Hopefully, if you're ever the WWE Champion again, they will book you better.
Jobber
1) Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle- Eddie must be spinning in his grave. You have the nephew of the late, great Eddie Guerrero; one of the greatest wrestlers who ever lived; and who is part of one of the most beloved and important families in wrestling and you make him job to a little freaking midget every week? What did Chavito do to deserve this? To give him credit, he has been taking it all in stride and making the best of it...I think. It was funny the first week. Maybe even the second week. A month and half (if not longer) is killing the joke.
2) Less Talky, More Walky- As much as I love the backstage segments on Raw, it seems to me they're just too many of them! I would rather have a 15-minute match and a five-minute interview/skit. It's a wrestling show after all. Sometimes, I look at the clock and there's maybe like five minutes left in the show and they're barely doing the Main Event entrances. It's hard to look forward to a "classic" when they've got about three minutes to work with...
3) Irony- The show is called Raw and yet it's rated PG. I expect SmackDown! to be PG because it's not on cable and thus, would have to be toned down...but what is Raw's excuse? If it's two different shows, they should have two different styles.
Tuesday Night ECW:
Main Eventer
1) Training Ground- So we all pretty much know by now that the WWE doesn't really care about ECW and it's basically a show for all the young talent and up-and-comers to make a name for themselves and hone their skills. In a sense, this is good; and in a sense, it's REALLY bad—but I'll get back to that later—but I think for the most part, it will create the great superstars of tomorrow.
2) Hurricane Helms- Admittedly, I never cared for the Hurricane. Too goofy and cartoony to me. The ironic part is I am a huge comic nerd just as much as I am a wrestling geek. The thing is, I would rather have him portray the Hurricane character rather than be himself because...well...he was boring. He was a boring man in a trench coat. Maybe the gimmick is really childish and gives off that old, "Federation Years" vibe, but hey, the WWE is supposedly for kids now anyways. Might as well. Plus, with his feud with the Burchills, it is just one more storyline in a vastly uninteresting ECW universe.
3) He's A Man! Such A Man!- Oh man, no matter what anyone says, William Regal's old theme music was AWESOME! I am very happy that Regal has found a good spot on ECW. He is the No.1 Heel on the show for the time being and is doing a great job. On Raw or SmackDown!, I believe he would be lost in the shuffle. Regal is one of those wrestlers that have the best ability but not so much the best personality. He seems like a very cool dude but let's face it: Mr. Personality he is not. Which is fine, but again, it's a handicap in the world of Pro Wrestling. I suppose it's the old, "Big Fish, Small Pond" cliché here but it works very well for him...
Mid-Carder
1) Yoshi Tatsu- I'm hearing great things about this rookie but as much as he is talented and loved by the fans. He has been given the old cliché Asian gimmick. It's hard to care for a wrestler's character when there's none really there. Hopefully, he will outgrow it and be himself more.
2) Ain't No Stopping Me Now- Yeah, whatever Shelton. Seriously though, Shelton Benjamin is such a great wrestler that is greatly underused and established. He has the ability to become a dominant force and earn some titles but for whatever reason, his potenial is eluding him. This is a shame because he deserves to be on SmackDown! or even Raw. I would say SmackDown! is more fitted for his style though; as that's the show with more wrestling on it. I wouldn't blame him if he jumped ship to TNA because, at this point, he isn't being used to his best ability.
3) Zack Attack- Here's the thing: I hate Zack Ryder. Maybe he's a cool guy in real life. I dunno. But I absolutely hate his persona. It just doesn't work for me. I realize, however, that he actually has some sort of cult-like following so I guess he isn't all that bad. They've been pushing him and building his character lately, so hopefully he makes the best of this opportunity.
Curtain Jerker
1) Goldust- I hate to say it but Goldust is now stale. That's a tough thing for me to admit because I really do enjoy the work of Dustin Runnels. I always found him to be a good wrestler (even when he's "out of shape"), worker, and very entertaining. His work and partnership with Booker T? Priceless! Co-co-co-cockles!!! Now, I know it's probably just because his main job is to help put the new talent over and help them get started, but it's just not the same Goldust I loved. It's a watered-down Goldust. Which I shall call, "Light Goldust." It's going to be hard to remember the name of...(inhales) Goldust...
at this rate.
2) Sheamus- I hope I spelled that correctly. If I didn't, feel free to correct me. I know he was recently drafted to Raw and hopefully good things will happen for him there but on ECW his archrival was Goldust and their feud wasn't very entertaining or good. It's neither of their fault though; sometimes, people just don't mesh. It's very difficult to believe in this bad ass Heel when his main obligation is ridding the world of Dustin Runnels. I think his move to Raw will be better for him.
3) Ahmed Johnson 2009 And Ivan Drago- Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov. Both of these men have the ability to become great superstars but for now, they're stuck just as lackeys, minions or to a better extent, Regal's bitches. This is probably my most-hated wrestling cliché because 1) Isn't almost the entire population of wrestlers supposed to be big anyways? On paper, John Cena could be a body guard. To me, it's as if Batista hired Big Show to watch his back from Rey Mysterio. He doesn't really need it does he? And 2) IT'S SO BORING!!! 'Nuff said!
Jobber
1) The Red-Headed Step Child- As I mentioned before, the WWE treats ECW like it's own dirty little secret. There's hardly a ECW Championship match (outside of Night Of Champions) on pay-per-view. Their title belt is Silver! Does that mean they're second best? No, that can't be. That would go to either Raw or SmackDown!, whichever you prefer...so maybe their belt should be bronze. SmackDown vs. Raw 2010 (Featuring ECW)? Um...okay. How is ECW featured? 2008 at least had a storyline. To feature, means to stand something out. Does ECW stand out? Nope. Not at all. It's not the roster's fault either. It's marketing's. They don't promote it at all. I hate to say it but get rid of ECW and replace it with Superstars.
2) Who?- Tiffany is the GM of ECW. Who? What? When? Why?
3) Who? 2: The Sequel- Half the roster (and what a small roster it is!) of ECW. Who?
(Join me next time for the conclusion of this article when I review the Good, the Bad and the Horrible of both WWE Superstars and SmackDown!)
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